chemical lobotomy
Content warning: Suicidal Ideation, Self Harm, Substance Abuse
I wanted to go a bit deeper with the feelings of oblivion and hopelessness in this poem than i've done in the past. I am doing quite well for myself, and am not a danger to myself or others. I just wanted to dig a bit further into it than I usually do. Please, don't take this too seriously.
please
all i need
all i want
all i will
ever be
a slow-burning
apocalypse of
enshittification
its good now
but for how long
i dread the day
may 15th, 2026
my plans disintegrating
i really am going
to have a spike
driven into my eye socket
self-inflicted
the only way to survive
a detransition into
a dead self
they're going to kill me
i will lose everything
i fought so hard for
why try anymore?
knowing it's all coming apart
rejection no. 2 now
at least they had the decency
of notifying me of my
annihilation
one fucking e-mail at a time
it really is all ending
my happy little experiment
back into the void
i clawed my way out of
losing my fucking mind
it's hard coming to terms
with the fact that I have
merely 7 weeks to live
give or take some
spend all my time working
for what?!
what fuck-shit am i
even doing to
build a future
when it's going to be taken away
ripped away from my friends
forced back into a cage
an unceasing nightmare
the entropy will win
and i will reach equilibrium
//
its hard to see hope
through the mania and depression
knowing full well i'm going back home
with no respite in sight
a future stolen
by dipshits in office
and massive funding cuts
to the sciences
while those same dipshits
accelerate the world into revelation
fuck my stupid chud life
maybe i should've ended it all back
on that knife's edge, fallen
straight into oblivion
its the same fucking result anyway
bleed out slowly on the staircase
alone in the dark
isn't that the male fantasy anyway?
arterial bleeding can exsanguinate someone
in 30 seconds or less without intervention
mentally lobotomize myself
blow my shit smooth off with a
chemical concoction strong enough
to put me under a thousand times over
clinging to life by a thready pulse
this is going to get me in trouble
but i don't fucking care
its all coming apart at the seams
what is intervention gonna do?
delay the inevitable?
i'm gonna give this semester my all
but rest assured as soon as i graduate
i might as well just
give up while i'm ahead
i don't see a reason to keep going
maybe i need a therapist.
that's what they all say.
mine kinda sucks. I need a better one
or i need to be
chemically lobotomized
//
i really, really fucking hope it doesn't come to this.
maybe it's gonna be all okay in the end
i want a taste of oblivion more than i want
to face eternal darkness
and thus i cling to life
i've made it this fucking far
i'm not going to kill myself
because that would make a lot of people sad
and joining the 41% is a little too bleak
even for me
i've got the summer night sky to look forward to
home-cooked family meals
time with my brother (also stuck at home)
and i can spend time with my significant other
as well as my best childhood friend
so it's not over.
not yet anyway.
I have 7 more weeks to make the best
of my time in college
and I absolutely fucking will.