crashout
im losing my fucking shit
every morning i wake up and check my outlook
nothing relevant, all digitized rage-bait
i can't have a break because I never got anything done
on time so im losing
losing
my sanity, sublimating
too much to do not enough time to do it
sometimes i wonder
maybe I do need go-pills
but that's just borrowing time from my
own future, and I cannot afford to crash now
it was easier back then
when i could spend half an hour a day on my bathroom floor
twitching in a drug-induced haze
nothing but problems back then too but
at least i might've been happy
certainty running down the drain
no answers, radio silence
the world is ending and i don't have time
not even to think
respite temporary until it drags me down
no time to recover because it's crunch time
certification renewals, thesis work
and the ever-growing pile of tasks
one day it's gonna end but man i can't see
that far ahead
maybe i don't want to
i can just choose not to do anything
and let it all burn
burn to the ground and run
run from what
run to where
off the road
into a ditch
rolling into unconsciousness
ideation hasn't left,
just not depressed
only numb
wired off my rocker
the crashout happens every day
first person i see gets it full power
friends
family
co-workers
trees
computer
phone
losing it all slowly and fastly and and and
the urge to give up comes back and i don't even care
because giving up takes too much time and i can't
afford
to
waste
catastrophic, the crash and burn
held together with duct tape and zip-ties
sanity needs to last 7 more weeks
but after that? it's over if i don't
hear back from anyone.
consigned to a nightmarish fate.
where i failed.
and i am going to have a spike driven into my brain case
go back to the nightmare i spent so long trying to escape
i really thought i had it all together
i guess not.
oh well.