diphenhydramine heartache
content warning: substance abuse
i don't know why i spend
so much of my time crying
it seems like i spend so much
of my day grieving over
im honestly not even sure why
just severe melancholy but
not an apathetic depression
its not the same as it was before
before was the yearning for oblivion
now it's something else entirely
i hate how much i still love her
someone i can never be with, both
because she and i are both taken
and it's absolutely fucking agonizing
i broke down right as she left
the only one who understands
my agony and there's nothing i
can really do about it
except sob uncontrollably
and knock myself out
faucets for eyes and
sobbing loud enough to
wake up my roommate
completely fucking hysterical
and entirely nonverbal
she helped me clean my
depression mess of a room!
and im so grateful she did
but i realize im hurting
myself the more time i spend
catching feelings
i gave her my old knife
and a dress that made me
look fat but on her
it made her perfect
and it was agonizing
knowing full well i've fallen
head over heels for her
before, when i was dumber and
didn't know any better
five benadryl instead of four
not that it knocks me out faster
but i fight the voice in my head
that tells me to down the whole bottle
so i compromise and make it five
out cold again
no dreams again
unconscious bliss
and finally an end
to the heartbreak
but diphenhydramine is
a terrible sedative
and thus i wake up
severely hung over
and my heart still aches
as much as my body does
we never did get to smoke
the cigarettes together
maybe we will at some point
but our sleep schedules don't align
i need to move on
and i only have so many tears
since the catharsis of a breakdown
might just be all i need
in conjunction with the residual
benadryl floating around
i'm just so tired
i wasted another day
no time to rest
no time to work
just an endless grind
until one day, it will all
grind to a halt
and then i
don't know anymore
im gonna miss her
im gonna miss a lot of people, really
im gonna go back home once more
im gonna enjoy my time here
im gonna be okay