enthalpy
an excerpt from my physical chemistry lab report, dated late-april 2025
just a little background for this poem.
ephemeral
was that all it is?
all that's left of my
little experiment are
changes to myself
major changes of course,
but my identity is more
than just the specific chemical makeup
of the steroids floating around
my bloodstream
i've passed the energetic barrier
and i can move past the transition state
into a lower energy state
releasing the stored energy
to do work, or other things
some reactions are irreversible
some occur in an equilibrium
biased one way or another
a transition from masculinity
into androgyny and inevitably femininity
you can force a lot of reactions backwards
but some reactions are irreversible
the excited/transition state has so much energy
that as soon as the energy requirements are met,
the molecule completely disintegrates
I don't think the acetaldehyde can become
paraldehyde again. i measured it!
a fine lab to cap off the nightmare of P-Chem lab
and the worst year of my college experience
but the conclusions are all the same
but with enough heat, pressure and catalyst
everything is reversible. Just ask Fritz Haber.
and i guess in a deeper sense, you can always re-energize
products and shove them against the entropic hill
under the right circumstances
chemicals can detransition
and they aren't happy about it
if entropy guides them to a lower energy
stable state, forcing a reverse reaction
is clearly inadvisable
at some point
it's going to happen
we are going to resynthesize paraldehyde
from 3 molecules of acetaldehyde
my fate intertwined with a molecule
in a lab that broke me
holding back entropy keeps me alive
but fighting entropy more will kill me in
a different way, going back into
the darkness that i spent
so.
much.
time.
running.
from.
i just don't wanna go back.
is that so unreasonable to ask for?
i keep crying over and over and over and
rage bait every other waking moment
pushed beyond decomposition
fragmenting into compartments
keeping myself safe
and sane
and hating every waking moment
plunge straight into
molecular dust
atomized
gone.
you can't re-assemble paraldehyde
and you can't reassemble me
so much meaningful
and meaningless work came
out of it
but its all coming apart
unimolecular decomposition
becoming useless the more i try
and the more i fail
and the
the
1 x paraldehyde -> 3x acetaldehyde
oh yeah i forgot i can use those.
frankly, i can't see a future anymore
but i guess i never could see one anyways
my thesis is due soon.
i might have some enthalpy left.
squeeze some work before dissociation