Act IX: Graduation
i bought myself a white dress
that i knew i could never wear
because my father would probably
...
it certainly would get ugly
i took the real grad pictures with my
closest lab friends
with the cords I dyed myself
made of nylon mooring line
wearing our regalia
memories made as Kathryn
with those who called me by my name
i was happy and excited then
celebrating our achievements together
we looked good together
i made the effort
to arrange the chem department
to deadname me
the faculty brought it up in their meetings
for my own safety
but it hurt so bad
i hated every moment of it
first to walk
to a name that wasn't mine
i hugged my PI and the deparment chair
because i would've started bawling
if i was denied even that
forcably dissociating
so i could keep my composure
but with each name they read
i weep
knowing that i had spent four
years, finding a true self
only to discard it just like that
for my own safety
i wanted to be pretty
wear my white dress
hear my name as it was meant to be
and it just hurt
in a way i haven't felt since high school
wearing a ridiculous outfit
that i bought from goodwill
since i didn't have any formal
male clothes
and i needed to look presentable
i cheered for my friends
and i got my placeholder diploma
in the reception afterwards
i chatted with my professors
and said my goodbyes
"your son"
"he, him his"
i just wanted to wither away
i couldn't celebrate like this
and on a sunny, saturday evening
that was it. I made it.
four years ago in high school
i could have never imagined
graduating with honors and magna cum laude
and getting into a PhD program
much less living to see it.
so i made it out
alive
dubiously well
and it was over
no fancy dinner
just, packed all my shit
into my father's car
and we drove back home
into a longer quiet
i weep again