Neuroqueer VI
drifting apart from who i was and who i ought to be
knowing my fate is inseparable from my identity
the intersection of neurodivergence and queerness
so preoccupied my mind many years ago
but what does that even mean now
in this day and age
you will be hunted down
the nail that sticks up gets
whacked and beaten until flush and compliant
so there is no pride to be had
in sticking out, //
lest i be outed as one
of
them
an other
ostracized
because i failed to p[res ent my self
appropriate ly
professionally
im trying to keep it all together
p[ain t a coher-ent message
but the harder i try
the farther i fall
i fear that i don't pass
which means i fail
and if i fail
the conseq
uences will be..
=
severe
so i cannot fail
i must pass
even if that means
fighting who i am
hammering myself into
an ap p ropri ate
form that's societally paletable
no matter how much it kills me inside
because when i return home
i will have a nail hammered deep into my brain-case
and i will not think
merely survive as i have done all
thos e year s
maybe it doesn't matter.
maybe it never mattered.
maybe i've failed on a genetic level
and i'll be mogged by every--one younger than
m,e prettier than me
and in the incelmaxxed stupid chud world
maybe that;s all there is
disintegration of identity
maintenance of a professional face
two sides of a commemorative coin
the head, presentable and recognizable
and the tail which has no bearing on reality and might
as well be a modern art masterpiece
held to gether //
there's a mania that comes with writing
certain types of free-verse poetry
where i choose to break format
lose my fucking shit, and keep the damn typos
because if i forget who i am
why did i fight so hard in the first place?
sin is sin and i must repent
but i fear that it was over before it even began
blue pills red pills black pills pink pills
swallowing the whole medicine cabinet and
waking in this miserable existence
but i'm not even angry. or upset.
just torn between an authentic self,
and a presentable self
with baggage tying back to an obsolete self
and a lobotomy waiting if i fail
so yeah,
it's a high stakes game
does it even make sense?
I sure as shit don't know
and maybe i never will
>I cannot, and will not change for anyone.
and yet you did. names changed, faces changed, you're unrecognizable
a different person from all the wear and tear that comes with life
falling apart already
because the consequences are catching up
and i wish i knew sooner
who i am
who i was
who i will be
does it even matter?
and maybe it's gonna be okay