pale flesh
im lucky to not have
dark circles under my eyes
as people tell me
but i've always found
tired eyes attractive
i've been told i have
eyes with a high pain tolerance
but being in chronic pain
i guess that's just a part of life
and not much I can do about it
i'm so pale now
i used to be a solid bronze
especially after summers outdoors
but since coming to college
i've just lost colors
the only color on my face
is the blush on my cheeks
on cold days
and the dark shadows
under my eyes
tired, dark eyes
that can't smile anymore
they used to be joyful
and now they're mean
been through too much
i look so happy in my
old photos
but after years of pain
its hard to even smile
normally
before my thesis
before pchem
before my motel room
before starting college
before the pandemic
i was happy once
and im happy for brief moments now
but its ephemeral
a moment that slips away
washed over by numbness
i need help
professional help
but i don't even know
where i would start
i just know something is wrong
just like when I was younger
i knew something was wrong
that's why i'm Kat now
and that's why he's dead
pale flesh, face down
drained of life
drained of joy
drained of everything
so i could live
a necessary sacrifice
pale flesh,
that i still wear
that i can't escape
that i'm still
trapped inside
windows into the world
both inside and out
two brown eyes
held by dark sockets
embedded in pale flesh
sunken in
laser ablated
chemically altered
physically broken
internally scarred
my pale flesh is all i have left