picking up the pieces
a poem constructed from the blue text in the poems I wrote during my thesis crashout
italics are words I added back in for clarity and cohesiveness
act one, cigarettes
again
ephemeral
i choose to steal time from my future
yet its never really enough
cigarette shining
brighter than the stars
blissfully unaware
i am left with nothing
and i don't fucking care anymore
run out of shits to give
why do i even bother?
watch the embers creep closer
put it out against my wrist but that'll get me in
the kind of trouble
that gets people concerned
time to put it out
looking for IR signatures of combustion
and it's dark again
having experienced such bliss
i live with my consequences
act two, insomnia
abuse
no
i
b r e a k
a life i fought so hard to save
yet
death
calls
no worries no pain nothing but nothing and nothing
aβ β break from reality
take the
diphenhydramine
don't do it
fall into the
void
act three, heartbreak
crying
grieving
not an apathetic depression
not the same
oblivion
something else entirely
i β hate that i β love her
never
both β taken
absolutely fucking agonizing
i β broke down
she β understands
my agony
i β sob uncontrollably
knock myself out
completely fucking hysterical
clean my
depression mess
so β grateful
but β im hurting
myselfβ β...
catching feelings
she's so β perfect
itβs β agonizing
i β didnt know any better
five βpills, instead of β four
fight myself
could just down the β whole bottle
compromise on β five
out cold again
bliss
unending β heartbreak
my β heart still aches
can't be β together
we simply β don't align
move on
from the β catharsis of a breakdown
i wasted so much time
rest
work
grind to a halt
i'm gonna miss her
miss a lot of people
go β home
and β enjoy
okayβ ?
act four, exhaustion
tired eyes
eyes with a high pain tolerance
im so β pale
i've just lost colors
dark circles β under my eyes
too much
pain
something is wrong
KATβ !!
her pale flesh, face down
life
joy
everything
to β live
one must β sacrifice
her pale flesh
sunken
ablated
altered
broken
scarred
all (she) has β left
act 5, catharsis
broken
dying to β live
living to β die
burning down everything
unraveling
lethal
accident
poison
carcinogens
nothing is safe
when i can't even see
through the acrid haze
hangover
neurotoxin
nightmare
over the limit
king of carcinogens
toxic: call poison control center if ingested
if it doesn't kill you β now it will get you β later
hazmat all the way down
i face my consequences
i want to live
but my thesis is β killing me
slowly and fastly all the same
need to rest but I β dont...
cant...
wont...
and i will be β forced to
i must β cheat death
the only thing that matters
light
my rest is freedom