restless apathy
restless
i can't
back again
same building
same college
same room
emptied out
desolate
i lie awake
i can't sleep
but im so tired
i earned my rest
but there's an
ever present dagger
above my head
its so empty
i can't think
in the emptyness
i miss my friends
fill the void
with carnal pleasures
home-cooked foods
i wake up feeling worse
i cry harder after they leave
and i can't stop
homogenized feelings
i can't tell if im crying
or in an agonizing physical arousal
so overwhelmed
yet numb all the same
//
i feel myself spiraling into
oblivion
a life without purpose
but i have tasks to do
and i can't even have fun
anymore
the joy is ephemeral at best
and absent at worse
car-centric nightmare
where i become sedentary
apathetic
doomscroll
slopmaxxing
a hedonistic life
of emptyness
physically full
emotionally hollowed out
chasing a feeling
that i've lost
that i so desperately wish to have
no-one to love
the people are gone
but the feelings linger
i want someone
anyone really
temporary friends with benefits
only hurt more when they leave
knowing full well i'm probably never
seeing them again
without some good planning
//
people hear me crying
asking if im okay
and i'm simply not okay
maybe i shouldn't have broken up with him
but i don't know if its the emptiness
that's hurting me
or being so incredibly touch starved
crying myself to sleep
more often than not
instead of heartache
a deep melancholy
but not the kind
that drags me into oblivion
but the apathetic kind
where i simply can't
do anything
learned helplessness
maintaining myself
becomes harder and harder
with every step
im not productive
because i'm crying
and trying my absolute
darndest to numb the pain
that comes with being alone
maybe a good ending
soon i will move out
return home to a different
hellish environment
isolated from all those i was close to
an unceasing, restless apathy