smoke it to the butt
i couldn't sleep
again
and i figured the sky would clear
after all that rain and
misery
ephemeral as it always is
the sky has shifted once again
at 0430 i don my helmet and
military night vision goggles
so i can stare out into space
where the milky way welcomes me
at my doorstep
so i choose to steal time from my future
light up a cigarette
and contemplate the oblivion ahead
my hair is a mess
there are dark spots under my eyes
because i barely slept at all
i look like shit
and i take a drag
up above satellites and shooting stars
drift and streak
as below the NVIS class-B filters
cut out 99.95% of the light pollution
yet it's never really enough
too many streetlights
too many IR cameras
too many eyes on me
yet i smoke and say nothing
my cigarette shining brighter than the stars
i remember buying these with my little
brother all the way back in thanksgiving
when i was carefree
recovering from the hell i went through
and blissfully unaware of the
gauntlet I'd need to run in
a few months time
and i flicked my cigarette too hard
the embers fall and i am left with nothing
so i pick up the embers and relight
man this tastes like shit
and i don't fucking care anymore
pure bliss, standing out in the cold
dressed up ready for work
tiredness in my eyes and in my soul
i stare up again
try to see some nebula
and some star clusters
the smoke floats across my vision
i have run out of shits to give
i don't even know what i want
brief periods of focus interspersed
with a nightmarish procrastination
and endless doomscrolling
the ash tail grows longer and i flick
why do i even bother?
another half-assed drag and i cough
im still not breathing in the smoke
just tasting a carcinogenic cloud
vaping would be more pleasant
half an inch out.
im running out of space to hold the cigarette
instead of cradling it, i pinch it by the cellulose
acetate filter
and watch the embers creep closer
i think about putting it out on my wrist
and i remembered that'll get me in trouble
not real trouble but the kind of trouble
that gets people concerned and intervention
so i take yet another drag
it's at the butt now.
i can feel the heat in my fingers
time to put it out
against the concrete paver i stand on
wearing only socks
its a wonder there aren't any burn holes
in my conservatively long work skirt
and i inspect the butt under my
flight goggles, looking for IR signatures
of combustion
and it's dark
so i throw the butt into my trashcan
flip up my NODs
go inside to my kitchen
to make some coffee
i can't give up now
having experienced such bliss
a bit of motivation to get back to
my nightmarish grind
a full day ahead
stained teeth
aftertaste of regret
mixed with the instant coffee
man i'm such a fucking cheapskate
and i live with my consequences