star-spangled razor blades [CW]
Content warning: depictions of self harm, references to eating disorders.
If poem makes you uncomfortable, or triggers something, PLEASE close this page and discontinue reading, because I don't want you to hurt over an internet poem. You are loved.
— Kat
87 days since last incident
things really were going well
ish
then i lost him
and then it started to spiral
two coincidental disasters
leading to a crash of unaddressed anxiety
a call to a friend going nowhere
alone
truly alone
no-one to hear my cries
as i wail in desperation
star-spangled razor blades
hundred-pack, lying on my desk
handy for projects
and more than capable of drawing blood
there is no one to hear my cries
or hold onto me
it's all falling apart
i fucked up the one good thing i had
going for me
because i was so excited to see him
i grossly overstepped his one red line
and it crumbled apart just as quickly as we met
i can't keep anything together now
not even the cardboard sleeve of the razor blades
unravel the little adhesive.
the blade glints orange from the
high pressure sodium vapor lamp
no-one will notice
better yet, no one will care
so long as i tell no-one
it is the 29th of october. not a good time
biweekly demoralization coinciding with a breakup
worse still is he lied to me
told me we could still be friends
while proceeding to cut me out of his life
just like i use razor blades to cut out
papers and labels and tape and pain and skin and and and and and
0 days since last incident
star spangled razor blades
6 scores, a small patch of forearm
opened up, exposed to air
it will rust and dull over time
carefully clean the edge
its going to be okay
i shouldn't keep these around but they're just so useful
but things can be useful and cause problems
just like me.
and now the consequences
wear long sleeves, not just because it's cold out
wounds will heal, given enough time
freaking out, losing control
relapse, into what was a one-time event
that happened twice
i said that about binge/purge.
that was NOT a one time thing.
but for now, its okay.
its not, but it can be. and it will be.
14 days since last incident
the razor blades are on my desk now
and i have made peace with him cutting me out of my life
it happens. but im willing to forgive
i don't know if he will ever feel the same way
but i hope, perhaps selfishly
he keeps his word, and we can be friends again
hope heals wounds faster than time does
and there's only so much i can do about other people
i will inevitably fuck up
but freaking out about it helps no one
not even myself
it's been two weeks, and i've made it through
from now on,
star-spangled razor blades for arts and crafts ONLY.