tartarus
07/14/2026
Content warning: references to self harm, references to substance abuse, explicit suicidal ideation
this is the full, unabridged collection of poems as they're meant to be read. they will be re-published separately on the main blog after sanitizing them.
_rumination
perhaps the greatest flaw that
often comes with intelligence
is thinking, not just regular-thinking
overthinking to the point
of no return
rumination: the act of thinking deeply about something
source: the oxford english dictionary
but in a psychological context
it refers to a cycle of negative thinking
getting stuck in a downwards spiraling loop of whys instead of hows
and for someone who lives,
breathes, and
would do anything to know
WHY
i am unfortunately extreme susceptible to this.
WHY did i turn out this way?
WHY did she leave me for her ex?
WHY can't i get out of bed?
WHY is my love for him gone?
WHY can't i get anything done
the more i think, the worse it gets.
and i simply cannot stop thinking.
because if i stop thinking i get
melancholy, so i cannot stop
thinking and chewing and grinding my own thoughts
into the dust from which they came
i simply must know why im so miserable
but therein lies the problem
rumination starts the downwards spiral
but it doesn't end there
im not a workaholic
but i cannot be idle
at all
otherwise i begin to ruminate
questioning everything to an unhealthy extent
i can't let myself get there
but the alternative to rumination
comes halfway through the fall
through tartarus
apathy
_ultradepression
TERMINAL VELOCITY
HIT THE GROUND HARD
BROKEN HEART
BROKEN MIND
BROKEN BODY
FLAIL WILDLY BETWEEN
INSOMNIA AND HYPERSOMNIA
AGONY EITHER WAY
SO FAR FROM GOD
SURVIVAL AT THE BOTTOM
OF THE PIT OF DESPAIR
DOESN'T MATTER IF I TRIPPED AND FELL
OR WAS FORCED STRAIGHT DOWN AS
DIVINE PUNISHMENT FOR MY TRANSGRESSIONS
HANGING, DEAD, EYES
NO FEELINGS LEFT
BUT MELANCHOLY
NOT THE PRETTY KIND
THE UGLY KIND
THE KIND THAT SMELLS
AND LEAVES A MESS
DIRTY AND COVERED IN SWEAT AND GRIME
FILL THE ROOM WITH MOLD AND TRASH
FLAYED BODY TRAILING VISCERA
WAKE ME UP SO I CAN FEEL
OR LEAVE ME COLD SO I NEVER WAKE AGAIN
IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER ANYMORE
BRIEF SPURTS OF ECSTASY
THAT ONLY END IN BREAKING DOWN CRYING
HEADACHE
ABDOMINAL CRAMPING
HUNGER PANGS
FULL BODY PAINS
CHAINED HERE
TO THIS HELL
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
CRASH OUT, LASH OUT
HURT EVERYONE YOU LOVE
AND CURL UP
KNOWING YOU DO NOTHING
BUT BURDEN OTHERS
THERE IS NO. WAY. OUT
MAYBE
SELF ANNIHILATION
STARVATION
CHAINSMOKING
GRAIN ALCOHOL
DIPHENHYDRAMINE
SCALPEL BLADES
2 GRAMS POTASSIUM CYANIDE
9X19MM PARABELLUM THROUGH A 4 INCH BARREL
ESCAPE THE PIT
stop.
please.
do not kill yourself
to get out this pit
it will get better!
i promise
even if you don't believe it now
don't leave
a life you fought so hard to save
clawed out that stupid fucking hole
thrice now make it a fourth
i miss you, kat
please come back
SELF PRESERVATION
ARREST THE FALL
KEEP UP THE BARE MINIMUM
CLEAN MYSELF
I WON'T BREAK MY SKIN
IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO BE IN MORE PAIN
I WON'T DRINK OR DOWN DIPHENHYDRAMINE PILLS
BECAUSE I WILL FEEL EVEN WORSE AFTERWARDS
I AM GOING TO IGNORE THE KCN
AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO
BECAUSE I DID NOT SAY GOODBYE
I MAY NOT WANT TO LIVE
BUT I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!
LIVE FOR TEN MORE MINUTES
MINUTES TO HOURS
HOURS TO DAYS
DAYS TO WEEKS
WEEKS TO MONTHS
MONTHS TO YEARS
I WILL CRAWL OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOLE
SO HELP ME GOD
but im so tired.
so tired, and i can't rest
everything fucking hurts
roll over and cry once more
i might not hurt myself
but i want someone to hurt me instead
i don't know anymore
all i know is
i need to stick around
for my friends
for my family
for myself
_girlfailure
everything fucking hurts.
i can't sleep
i've lost my appetite
and i find myself dissociating
often, and for longer and longer
feeling the melancholy weigh me down
moving is hard
every little action becomes strenuous
all i just want is
to
lay down
and
rot
my room is a mess. it's been a
mess, since the time i moved back from
williamsburg, and i dumped all my moving
bags in the center of the room
and figured i'd deal with it
later.
my apathy burdens others
ive never felt more worthless
in my life before
no hometown friends
no job
nothing
the fun is drained
out of everything i love
i miss my college friends so much
friends, and friends with benefits
and i've become so hopelessly clingy
to the point where i think im
definitely making people uncomfortable
and i'm pushing my friends away
rotting feels too good
let the pain chew through my body
like maggots gnawing on flesh
in my own misery i sit
shuffle around, from my room
to the bathroom
to the kitchen
to the couch
and back to my room
the girlfailure nest
clutter strewn across the floor
all over my desk
my couch and my bed
unusuable
full of shit
an insurmountable mountain to climb
every day i clean a little
and yet it remains a mess
bogged down by the red tape
of deciding what to keep or what to chuck
and where to store all of my crap
spiraling into oblivion
i curl up on my floor
surrounded by tools and stationery and cleaning products and garbage and cables and and and and and and and and and and and and and and.......
i weep, and slip into unconsciousness