lust//love
This is the sanitized version of the poem
Full, explicit version HERE
it sneaks up on you
before you realize it
too many hope pills
spiraling into a new oblivion
it started with her
crying nonstop
heartache not of my own
voltition
and by the time i got over her
something in me, that i've maintained
for so many years
just up and broke
with it, me as well
blown about in the
winds and currents
of an endless yearning
break my body
and break my soul
the fire will burn you out
and leave you cold
so i weep
a candle tipped over, not extinguished
setting the love letters
ablaze, into cinders
=
i can't help it
a different kind of attraction
perhaps a deep yearning?
for something i can never have
sprouting in my chest
rolling down my spine
a pelvic warmth
and uncontrollable spasm
fucking agony.
it's probably permanent
after several months
the feeling hasn't gone away
enjoy your new psychosexual schema
what if i don't want to?
so far from God
adrift in the wind
tumbling forever,
ephemeral
just like the love i feel
or is it lust?
its visceral
unlike anything i've
ever felt before
consuming me from the inside
=
words on a screen
are all i need
to go off the rails now
as debilitating as it is
imagining what someone
anyone
is gonna do to me
losing my fucking mind
but not without feeling
ecstasy like never before
leaking like a decrepit faucet
drip-fed euphoria
i go numb without touch
let the fire consume me
leave me breathing heavy
and broken down, wanting more
self-censored,
bound and gagged
i can't say the rest
but
i...
kinda don't wanna stop
i know its bad for me
but why does it feel so good?
=
they will leave
as they always do
and my heart will ache
and it starts again
lust//love
the goodbyes hurt the most
digging myself deeper and deeper
insatiable
because it's the same damn thing
someone i can never be with
because we live so far apart
and my lease is up at the end of the month
and im moving across the state
and im starting grad school and ill be busy
and i've gotta clean up my room
and and and and and
the excuses are avoidant
i can't let myself catch feelings
but i still do
so i have to get over [her/them/him]
this is killing me
where is my forever?
who will [she/they/he] be?
and can [she/they/he] save me?